I think the epitome of the current angst is the last verse of the first song below. I keep thinking about grad school. I like history. A lot. But I keep questioning whether or not I'll be happy doing that. It's a huge commitment, this academic life. A decade, give or take, of grad school. Then another decade, give or take, before tenure—never mind the issue of trying to get a job somewhere that I'd actually want to live.
And on top of all that, I worry about the state of the world far too much to lock myself away in an ivory tower. Part of me says that I could still very much be involved in trying to change the world as an academic—that's the same part of me that reminds me that I've never really done much to help to change the world in any active sense. But there's another part of me that thinks I really ought to be try to be rather more active in helping to change the world. But the question is in what capacity? And how? Law? Politics? Social services? Ministry?!
(Yes, I just wrote that. Big secret: once upon a time, before I lost my faith in the Catholic church, I thought I maybe wanted to be a priest. Dating a minister has brought back certain of those feelings. I've been thinking a lot, in any case, about starting maybe to go to church again. This is something that I've been thinking about on and off for about a year, ever since my great-grandfather died last March. It was always clear that the Catholic church wouldn't cut it for me and I thought a lot about the Anglican church—what can I say, I'm a ceremony-whore—but it all remains very muddled.)
Suffice it to say, I've a lot on my mind right now. Other than that, things are fantastic. I'll be in Connecticut a week from right now, eagerly awaiting my day in NYC with the boy and his friends to see the DAILY SHOW next Monday!!!
And now, a selection of lyrics from Avenue Q.
What do you do with a B.A. in English?
What do you do with a B.A. in English,
What is my life going to be?
Four years of college and plenty of knowledge,
Have earned me this useless degree.
I can't pay the bills yet,
'Cause I have no skills yet,
The world is a big scary place.
But somehow I can't shake,
The feeling I might make,
A difference,
To the human race.
I wish I could go back to college
KATE MONSTER:
I wish I could go back to college.
Life was so simple back then.
NICKY:
What would I give to go back and live in a dorm with a meal plan again!
PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college.
In college you know who you are.
You sit in the quad, and think, "Oh my God!
I am totally gonna go far!"
ALL:
How do I go back to college?
I don't know who I am anymore!
PRINCETON:
I wanna go back to my room and find a message in dry-erase pen on the door!
Ohhh...
I wish I could just drop a class...
NICKY:
Or get into a play...
KATE MONSTER:
Or change my major...
PRINCETON:
Or fuck my T.A.
ALL:
I need an academic advisor to point the way!
We could be...
Sitting in the computer lab,
4 A.M. before the final paper is due,
Cursing the world 'cause I didn't start sooner,
And seeing the rest of the class there, too!
PRINCETON:
I wish I could go back to college!
ALL:
How do I go back to college?!
Ahhhh...
PRINCETON:
I wish I had taken more pictures.
NICKY:
But if I were to go back to college,
Think what a loser I'd be-
I'd walk through the quad,
And think "Oh my God..."
ALL:
"These kids are so much younger than me."
For Now
PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?
GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.
PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!
KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.
BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.
GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,
BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,
KATE MONSTER:
For now...
BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...
NICKY:
Nothing lasts,
ROD:
Life goes on,
NICKY:
Full of surprises.
ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.
CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
LUCY:
For now we're healthy.
BRIAN:
For now we're employed.
BAD IDEA BEARS:
For now we're happy...
KATE MONSTER:
If not overjoyed.
PRINCETON:
And we'll accept the things we cannot avoid, for now...
GARY COLEMAN:
For now...
TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...
KATE MONSTER:
For now...
ALL:
But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!
Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!
Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!
Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!
NICKY:
Each time you smile...
ALL:
...Only for now
KATE MONSTER:
It'll only last a while.
ALL:
...Only for now
PRINCETON:
Life may be scary...
ALL:
...Only for now
But it's only temporary
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba-dum ba-dum
Ba dum ba-dum
Ba-da da da da
ba-da da-da da da-da
Ba-dum ba-da, ba-dum ba-da
ohhhh-
PRINCETON:
Everything in life is only for now.
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